There’s something to be said about a man’s back pocket and what he keeps in it. Usually it’s his wallet or phone, but more often than not, it’s where he keeps things until its use is absolutely necessary. He does this so often that you don’t realize that, like his phone or wallet, you’ve somehow ended up being stuffed inside and treated the same way — like an object.
It’s hard to understand how this could be a bad thing. What’s wrong with being needed and helping him? What’s wrong with dropping your plans to fit him into your schedule?
But you know, deep in your gut and in the very back of your mind, that he’s only using you.
The worst part is that you know it and you’re helpless to do anything to fix the situation. While it makes you happy to have him look at you like you’re then best thing he’s ever seen, or call you up in the middle of the day to ask you for something, you know it’s wrong to jump at the opportunity to make him happy.
Then one day, he meets someone new.
Suddenly, he doesn’t call you as much as he used to. He doesn’t ask you to help him, to run errands with him, to hang out with him when he doesn’t have anything better to do.
Weeks will go by, and you’ll call him, because you miss spending time with him and being his girl on Friday, but his phone goes straight to voicemail, and your texts are unanswered.
You’ll wonder what it is you’ve done to deserve being treated like a stranger when you were so close just a moment before. You’ll stress yourself out and try not to cry and break down, because you feel like you’ve lost someone, and you suck it up and do your best to get over it and move on.
Then he calls you.
His name lights up your phone’s screen and you think about letting it go to voicemail, but you answer. He tells you how busy he’s been, how he’s met someone new. He’ll joke with you, and say he’s sorry, even though you know in your heart that he doesn’t mean it. And the worst part is that you forgive him and fall back into the same pattern all over again.
He keeps you in his back pocket, because just like his debit card, he knows where you are and how to use you when absolutely necessary.
He takes advantage of your kindness and of your relationship, because he knows how to play you. He knows you’ll forgive him and he’ll tuck you away until you’re convenient again.
Each time the cut gets a little deeper than the last and you’ll wonder how much longer he’ll keep hurting you, making you doubt your self-worth, making you pretend that everything is okay when you feel like you’re bleeding out.
In one crystallizing moment, you’ll finally understand that he’ll never change. He’ll never stop using you.
It’s hard to let him go. It seems almost impossible, but the day you realize that you’re tired of being his designated fluffer is the day he loses a valuable and loving person in his life.
You’ll stop answering his calls and focus on helping yourself. You’ll stop replying to his texts and Facebook messages and start doing things that make you happy. You’ll stop putting his needs before your own.
Slowly but surely, you’ll start to find yourself again, and not the version you were when you were under his spell, but the authentically benevolent being you always were.
You’ll rediscover your passions and goals and do things you never got the chance to do, because you were always concerned about his needs and wants. You’ll meet people who genuinely appreciate you and your kindness and warmth, who don’t take advantage of you or make you question where you stand in their lives.
You’ll meet a guy who looks at you like you’ve hung the heavens, and you’ll give him the time and energy you used to waste on a man-child who took you for granted.
And one day, you will look back upon the days when you were heartbroken over the man who never put you first, and realize that the thing about back pockets is that sometimes, if you’re not careful, something important will fall out.